We have been hiding out at home for the most part so there is little to update on a daily basis. Yesterday I ventured out to a meeting and my brother watched the baby, until I walked out the door I was debating making him come with me and waiting with the baby in the car so I could keep and eye on everything. This whole being ok with being apart from baby is going to take a while.
In the past week I have stopped taking the pain medication entirely and thankfully the "bladder numbness" has gone away for the most part. The irritation is still there but I have never been so happy in my life to feel the need to pee. I have been trying to sleep when he sleeps, unfortunately when he is asleep you get a choice of three things to do, sleep, eat, or shower. You generally get to pick one. Because of this I keep forgetting to eat til I am starving (breast feeding doesn't help here) and I keep having to make myself go shower when B is home instead of sneaking another nap. Luckily I have a phenomenal partner in all of this and Mister has been helpful in keeping us fed and letting me get naps in.
Breast feeding has begun to ease into a pattern and has become a lot easier, just in time for me to put pumping back into the mix. I have one side that stays a little more full than the other and I manage to spray almost every time I go to feed him and I giggle every time. Breast feeding is super serious business people. ;p
After our 2 week appointment they told me I didn't need to bring in our feeding and changing logs, I decided that I would rather continue on my own because it made it easier to predict when I would be needing to feed him and how long. Fortunately I only needed to keep logging the feedings because at any given point he is wet and in some stage of pooping. I definitely birthed a little poop machine. I learned my phone has a stop watch feature which has helped so much. However it also let me know when he suddenly cut his eating in half for about a day. I became worried I wasn't feeding him enough and he wouldn't get enough nutrients to develop and I would have a poor malnourished child. ... Having a baby doesn't make you worry more or anything. Not a bit, nope nope nope. .... I think he had just developed a strong suck and no longer needed to latch as long to get as much, but he is eating a little longer again now. I don't know why he cut his eating time but his diapers were full and he wasn't screaming so I will just have to accept it. I also learned that as long as those two things are true, Baby is generally fine. Learning to just let go and let someone help is most definitely going to be the hardest parts for me. I even spent time researching why I need to keep him on my breast even if I will pump so he can be watched elsewhere and use a bottle. Turns out the benefits for keeping him suckling for at least part time is the antibodies and production but that bottle feeding breast milk is perfectly acceptable and I should be really excited about getting a couple hours more sleep by letting B take over at some points. Letting go is hard.
As far as Baby goes, his eyes are focusing a lot more lately and he seems to be showing signs of smiles, even if they are just gas. He seems to really enjoy looking at the red things I have around his changing table, and he seems to see me when we cuddle. Today B handed him to me to feed and he cooed a little and smiled right at me. I melted. Completely. It is difficult to describe how it feels to be a Mom right away, I personally didn't feel this magical sudden "this is my child and the obsession of my life, I shall surely offer my life for him", I cried the second I heard his first cry, I bawl at the idea of someone taking him out of my sight, but honestly I kept waiting for some one to show up and say, "Well, thanks for watching him, we will be on our way now! " However when he looked at me and smiled that was it. He is my little critter. Much better than a kitten. And honestly I think this feeling will only intensify.
Mother hood is quite a ride. And I have only just begun.
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